“You have put on weight!” someone announced loudly at a crowded public event.
This is the time for fitness resolutions, gym memberships, and also a time when we look at our post-holiday bodies with that critical evaluation of what’s acceptable.
What we often forget as we judge others and ourselves is that there is a story behind the body. It tells the story of the body’s experiences, of everything good and bad that the body has endured.
My own story is not that different from many. I went from running a dance company full-time to a desk job with insane working hours across multiple time zones. My body revolted by doing what it tends to do great in its 40s, it GAINED weight.
Then my body had to go through EIGHT rounds of IVF. And I don’t mean 8 rounds of transfer, no, I mean 8 rounds of Retrieval on the most aggressive protocols. And if you don’t know how much more intense that experience is, consider yourself very lucky. The result? I GAINED more weight.
The moment IVF was truly over, my body decided to pull a trick of itself. It immediately went into Perimenopause, creating a complete imbalance of hormones, brain fog, and a level of exhaustion that I hadn’t known in a while. The result? I GAINED even more weight.
But there is one amazing thing that the brain does in its 40s. It stopped caring about what others think. Once a compulsive people pleaser, it decided to listen to its mind more. I worked very hard to learn to love myself, even when my appearance no longer aligned with society’s standards.
The day that comment was shouted at me happened to be a very special one. After a long time, I was able to get into that lehenga choli outfit, and it made me very happy. Not because I was thinner, but because I was able to use that outfit again. Anyone who has stared at a closet full of clothes that no longer fit will understand.
And that entire dam of self-love that I had built through the year, instantly cracked with her comment. I can’t lie, I felt embarrassed in the moment. I wanted to yell back all the explanations. But I was so startled that I couldn’t even find my voice. I meekly nodded, acknowledging the truth, and took the conversation in a different direction.
I hope this year I can rebuild that dam again. And maybe build it a little stronger so that it doesn’t start to crumble at the first attack.
Picture from that day in my special lehenga/choli 🙂
